Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’d love this…lol
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Snack for election night!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me