Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

?¿

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.