Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

United Steaks of America

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.