*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot