*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
A Short Story.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.