Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with