My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.