Pizza is an emotion right?
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank