Pizza is an emotion right?
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Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
