Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
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Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.