Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end