Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla