Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Are you a cat person or a person person?

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Good Morning.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.