Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
You Might Also Like
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
