Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
What
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
gm
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip