Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor