Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket