Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?