Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.