Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

🤭

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

just witnessed a drug deal