Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
You Might Also Like
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The sacred texts.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that