Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?