Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
That’s amazing.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME