Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Well, shit
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs