Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game