Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’m giving up for Lent.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
shakira sharkira
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.