Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.