Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.