Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.