Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
