placebo pills? more like sike meds
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
