placebo pills? more like sike meds
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only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco