Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
dead inside
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!