Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI