Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.