Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”