Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs