[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.