Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

I falcon love using swear birds

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

True

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Potatoes were such a good idea

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.