Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose