Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

When you don’t understand how floors work

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.