Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
fixed it
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.