Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
He-man has a Masters degree
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me