*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m about to risk it all
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Breaking news:
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!