Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it