Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.