Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Flock of bats

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?