Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
You Might Also Like
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
This rocks
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears