Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

I am yelling

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays