“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*