“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.