Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
It be like that sometimes 😆
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.