Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
never ask a starfish for directions
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.