Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster