Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.