[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Morning my dudes.
