Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them