*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
A comic by Dan Piraro
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now