Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.