“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses