*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
You Might Also Like
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo