*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
SPLOOT
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day