Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Arrest that man!

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

a public service announcement

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.