I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today