Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

what?

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck