Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles