Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices