Planet of the Apps.
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.