[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer