Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me