[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Heroic Misunderstanding
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.