Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order