Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

The sacred texts.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.