[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
man i love columbo
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
